It’s true, I’m not going to the White House Correspondents Dinner, but people are jumping to conclusions. Typical! I really just don’t see how I can possibly get enough attention in a room full of journalists, so I’m going to stay home and look in the mirror.
Yes, it’s true I blocked the press from the White House today, which is, okay, FASCIST, but they keep focusing on “facts” and “articles”. Enough already!
Yes, I am reversing course on the transgender bathroom issue, but if I’m going to be disappointed when I look down to pee, why should they feel comfortable?!
Have you seen my Southern White House? It’s so great, really. Nothing says “for the people” like a for-profit, private millionaires club, don’t you agree?
That horrible media is trying to make me look clueless about the Swedish Fish Massacre.
That VP of mine sure is a quiet guy. It’s almost like he’s waiting for something to happen, so strange.
Whelp, gotta go terrorize my staff, brb.
Made a trip to Florida. Sure the speech was a disaster, but my tan is looking soooo sweet. Completely worth the taxpayer money.
Do you know my alt-right racist best buddy? Terrific, total bromance. How could I resist that hate-filled chubby little face? People say he’s pulling the puppet strings, but NO WAY.
Oh, he’s telling me my writing time is up. More later!
Did you know I won by the biggest electoral college majority since the beginning of time? They had to stop counting, numbers went so high, tremendous.
People call me a narcissist, I just don’t see it. So unfair!
My National Security Adviser replacement has said no, and clearly there is only one possible reason. CNN got to him 😦 😦 😦