Tonight I address Congress. It will be an opportunity for me to discuss policy, a chance for me to call on both parties for bipartisan support, and to appeal to the people of this country to unify.
HAHA just kidding. I’m going to talk about MEEEEEEEEEEE.
Diary, healthcare legislation is like, super hard. Who knew?
It’s true, I’m not going to the White House Correspondents Dinner, but people are jumping to conclusions. Typical! I really just don’t see how I can possibly get enough attention in a room full of journalists, so I’m going to stay home and look in the mirror.
Yes, it’s true I blocked the press from the White House today, which is, okay, FASCIST, but they keep focusing on “facts” and “articles”. Enough already!
Yes, I am reversing course on the transgender bathroom issue, but if I’m going to be disappointed when I look down to pee, why should they feel comfortable?!
Have you seen my Southern White House? It’s so great, really. Nothing says “for the people” like a for-profit, private millionaires club, don’t you agree?
That horrible media is trying to make me look clueless about the Swedish Fish Massacre.
That VP of mine sure is a quiet guy. It’s almost like he’s waiting for something to happen, so strange.
Whelp, gotta go terrorize my staff, brb.
Made a trip to Florida. Sure the speech was a disaster, but my tan is looking soooo sweet. Completely worth the taxpayer money.
Do you know my alt-right racist best buddy? Terrific, total bromance. How could I resist that hate-filled chubby little face? People say he’s pulling the puppet strings, but NO WAY.
Oh, he’s telling me my writing time is up. More later!